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 LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!

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PostSubject: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 14, 2008 7:55 am

I want to give something to EVERYONE on this forum. It doesn't cost a penny, takes minimal effort, but is a priceless gift that has the potential to keep on giving to everyone that shares in it. The old adage that 'laughter really is the best medicine' is so true. There is nothing else like it to take the edge off of a bad day, bad mood, or even help relieve some stress. Smiles. Laughter. That 'feel good medicine'. THAT is the gift that I want to give each of you. Let that be my legacy in this forum.

This thread is for posting jokes for everyone else to read. It will be something like an interactive thread that every member can participate in with one another. We all know jokes, so let's share them! Let's make one another laugh and smile the way that good friends and good company so often do. Let this be the first thread you link to everyday, and start out your game feeling good, even happier than you were when you logged on.

Since I started the thread, I'll post the first joke and hope you guys and girls will post some of your own for me to read, too. Don't knock the idea until you've tried it folks...I think you will be surprised at what a positive impact it will have on the forum and our desire to rp with one another.

Humm, let's begin with a tried and true "blonde" joke...no offense to you fair haired damsels out there.



A blonde lady motorist was about 2 hours from San Diego, California
when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man
walked up to the car and asked, "Any chance you're going to San Diego?"
"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next 3 hours fixing my truck.
My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be
delivered to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I
don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly
take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $50 for your trouble."

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde.

So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the
blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts and off they went.
About 5 hours later the truck driver was driving through the heart
of San Diego when suddenly he does a double take.

There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with
the two chimps, much to the amusement of the gathering crowd.

With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the
blonde. "What the heck are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $50 to
take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

"Yes I know, and I did take them to the zoo," said the blonde,
"but we had money left over, so we went to the movies and now we are going
to get some ice cream."



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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 14, 2008 9:09 am

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:



Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able
to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be
digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be
over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.

Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do
under the circumstances.



Love you, Vinnie
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Mon Sep 15, 2008 3:28 am

An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office
and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous
day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - First I tried with my right hand, but
nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth,
first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit and she even tried
squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And no matter what we tried, we still
couldn't get the jar open."
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Mon Sep 15, 2008 9:05 am

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, "Do you know me?"

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 21, 2008 1:45 am

You people seriously suck...
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:37 am

Why do we suck?
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 21, 2008 3:59 am

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

"Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" He says.

"That's cool." Says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:03 am

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!"

The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."

"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"

The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sun Sep 21, 2008 4:07 am

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to pay later!
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:31 pm

These are a few jokes I got from a friend, hope they bring a smile to your face.


Little Johnny's at it again...... A new teacher was trying to
make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying,
'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds,
Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid,
Little Johnny?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by
yourself!'




Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold
cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To
make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the
cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving
up?'



The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention
in class. She called on him and said,
'Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Little Johnny quickly
replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'


Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their
local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board
of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a
picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,'
said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.'
Little Johnny asked, 'Why didn't you keep him when you took his
picture?'

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He
watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up
and down the horse's legs and r ump, and chest. After a few minutes,
Johnny asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied,
'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are
healthy and in good shape before I buy. Johnny, looking worried, said,
'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .'
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Tue Sep 23, 2008 6:41 pm

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659---CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man
opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.

When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to
the driver and he had the man arrested.


The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are Comin'
and I grinned."

"Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will
reduce the swelling', and I had to smile.
"Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's
Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself."


"BUT, your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a sign
that said,

'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I just lost it."


"CASE DISMISSED!!"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:41 am

You can't read these and stay in a bad mood!

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!

6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids

7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick

8.. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.

9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.

13.! What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.

19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover ?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:46 am

SCIENTIFIC KNOWLEDGE.... TRUE

A Kansas farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.

The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady.

He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring

Which demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:47 am

One day, a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: Why so glum?

Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell!

Satan: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Satan: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab and fresca... We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more! And we don't worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.

Guy: Gee, that sounds great!

Satan: You a smoker?

Guy: You better believe it!

Satan: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer no biggie, you're already dead, remember?

Guy: Wow... that's awesome!

Satan: I bet you like to gamble.

Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.

Satan: Cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, lackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt... you're dead anyhow.

Satan: What about Drugs?!?

Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...

Satan: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares.

Guy: WOW! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!

Satan: You gay ?

Guy: No...

Satan: Ooooh. You're gonna hate Fridays.
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Sep 24, 2008 4:48 am

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date,
the young lady decided she had been stood up. Exasperated,
she changed from her dinner dress into pajamas and slippers,
fixed some popcorn and resigned herself to an evening of TV.

No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her
door bell rang. There stood her date. He took one look at her
and gasped, "I'm two hours late - and you're still not ready?"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Thu Sep 25, 2008 11:04 pm

During one of her daily classes, a teacher, trying to teach good manners,
asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"

Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom.I'll be right back."

"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word 'bathroom'
at the dinner table.And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain and show us your good
manners?"

"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine,
to whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."

The teacher fainted
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Fri Sep 26, 2008 2:03 am

lmao that was a good one
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:48 pm

A man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.

He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.

"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.

"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:53 pm

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:58 pm

Things to ponder
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Fri Oct 03, 2008 11:12 pm

Dumb Laws

Texas
A recently passed anticrime law requires criminals to give their victims 24 hours notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
It is illegal to take more than three sips of beer at a time while standing.
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
A city ordinance states that a person cannot go barefoot without first obtaining a special five-dollar permit.
It is illegal for one to shoot a buffalo from the second story of a hotel.
It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
It is illegal for both sexes to flirt or respond to flirtation using the eyes and/or hands.

Minnesota
A person may not cross state lines with a duck atop his head.
Hamburgers may not be eaten on Sundays.
You're not allowed to park your elephant on Main Street.

Kentucky
All bees entering Kentucky shall be accompanied by certificates of health, stating that the apiary from which the bees came was free from contagious or infectious disease.
It is illegal to fish with a bow and arrow in Kentucky.
By law, anyone who has been drinking is "sober" until he or she "cannot hold onto the ground." (( HAHAHA, So glad I live in Kentucky, I can hold onto the ground very well ))
It is illegal to transport an ice cream cone in your pocket.


I only did a few, Texas because its so big, Minnesota because I grew up there and Kentucky because thats where I am now.. Heres the site if you want to look up your home state

http://www.ahajokes.com/dumb_laws.html
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Melody
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sat Nov 01, 2008 1:52 am

((I got this from my mother))


After their 11th child, a hillbilly couple decided that was
enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and
his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a
Vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. '

'A less costly alternative,' said the doctor, 'is to go home,
get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in hillbilly country) light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up
to your ear and count to 10.'

The hillbilly said to the doctor, 'I may not be the smartest
tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer
can next to my ear is going to help me.'

'Trust me,' said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer
can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'


At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs
and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure works in Tennessee, Kentucky, Louisiana,
Arkansas, Mississippi, Alabama, Georgia, Florida, West Virginia,
OKLAHOMA, MISSOURI, Dundalk, Glen Burnie and Washington DC .
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sat Nov 22, 2008 6:00 am

Three vampires walk into a bar and take a seat.
The bartender comes over and ask them what they want to drink

1st Vampire: Give me a shot of blood

2nd Vampire: I want a double shot

3rd Vampire: All I want is a cup of hot water

So the bartender goes and gets the drinks and comes back. He hands them the drinks, but looks kind of confused.

The bartender asked the 3rd vampire why didnít you order any blood the vampire pulls out a tampon and replies "Iím making tea".

________

So there are three guys that go hunting and it starts getting dark so they stay in a cabin that is owned by one of the guys. Thereís only one bed so they all end up on the same bed.

The next morning they wake up, and the guy on the left tells the other guys of a dream he had. "I dreamnt that I was getting a handjob by a hot blonde, it was so awesome!" then the guy on the right tell them his "Me too! I was getting a handjob by a hot blonde" then the guy in the middle says "Ah man, I just dreamnt I was skiing"
________

A Chinese couple, just married, is having sex together for the first time. Both are virgins, and their inexperience shows.

As they lay in bed uneasily, the man asks his wife what kind of sex she wants.
"I want numbah 69!" she says.

Her husband scratches his head and asks, "The chow-mein weef owange chicken?"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Sat Nov 22, 2008 9:33 am

OMFG AWESOMELY FUNNY!
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Nov 26, 2008 2:33 am

( my sis sent this to me in email )

Here is a turkey recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.


8 - 15 lb. turkey

1 cup melted butter

1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)

1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER'S LOW FAT) Salt/pepper to
taste


Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter salt, and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.


Listen for the popping sounds. When the turkey's ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across the room, it's done!
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Thu Nov 27, 2008 5:31 am

so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
so i helped him walk to the toilet
all the stalls were occupied
lol
bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
and there's this guy in there taking a shit
hahahahahaha
and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
and runs away
imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER


I broke my G-string while fingering a minor Sad
...
I was trying to play Knocking on Heaven's Door.
Oh well, time to buy new strings.


he was dressed as a big fuckin devil
like, HUGE costume
8-foot lizard wings, giant horns on the head
at some anime con in california
they were double booked with a southern Baptist group in the same hotel
he's riding the elevator down to the con space
doors open, little old baptist woman standing there
he just says "Going Down" in his best evil voice

random girl: hey!
me: ...hi?
me: who is this?
random girl: Jessica, I saw u on myspace
random girl: ur hot
me: thanks
random girl: np
me: this girl keeps bugging me, but I don't want to talk to her
me: what should I do?
random girl: make up sum excuse, like ur mom is kickin u off or sumthing
me: oh alright
me: I have to go
me: my mom is kicking me off
me: bye

Jakefeb3: do you know a turtles only weakness?
AvatarOfSolusek: no
AvatarOfSolusek: well
AvatarOfSolusek: thier slowness
Jakefeb3: there weakness is they cant roll over when they are on their backs
AvatarOfSolusek: lol
Jakefeb3: now i have a plan
Jakefeb3: if i duck tape 2 turtles together they are unstoppable

I heard about this guy who broke into a lion's den at the zoo
and got mauled
and people were talking about how there should have been better defences put up to prevent people getting into the cage
a friend of mine suggested setting up some kind of deterrent
for example, putting some sort of fierce animal in the cage, which would attack anybody who climbed in


I have passed the transitional stage of internet geekhood
I was cashiering at work today, and was punching in the code for plums, which is 4040.
and the 0 key doesn't work this well, so I punched it in wrong.
and the machine flashed up "Item Not Found: 404"
and I actually laughed out loud

can you guys see what I type?
no, raize
How do I set it up so you can see it?

Some dude tried to break in last night at like 2am, but I was on the comp and it's like right beside the window so I heard the faggot.
Anyways, I grabbed the folding chair and as soon as he was like halfway through I beat the fucking shit out of him.
So he's laying here unconscious and I call the cops. Once they get here, they search him and look at what he fucking had:
8 track tape (unlabeled), Flashlight (no batteries), Half eaten box of Fig Newtons, Measuring tape, Instructions to "Monopoly."
Dude, you fucking killed McGuyver!

WallJam7: roses are red
WallJam7: violets are blue
WallJam7: all of my base
WallJam7: are belong to you

(( aww how sweet ))

<@AntiHeiss> friend of mine went to jail last night
<@AntiHeiss> he probably isn't getting out for a while
<%The_Coolest> y?
<+Enyo> why?
<%The_Coolest> Surprised
<@AntiHeiss> it was a girl cop, she was pretty cute too
<@AntiHeiss> she said anything you say can and will be held against you....he sat there for a while and said 'tits'

We vegetarians love the environment. carnivores are sick freaks.
How can vegetarians possibly love the environment.. you keep eating all the fucking plants

#1 pickup line of all time: "Hey, does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Dec 17, 2008 3:55 pm

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."



After a hot, hard day's work Joe went into a bar to quench his thirst. He walked up to the bar and asked the bartender for a beer.

The bartender replied "There's one thing every man has to do here before getting served. You have to tell me the name of your penis."

Joe thought it was a bit silly and asked the bartender what he named his. The bartender said " I named mine Nike...like you know... just do for it!"

So he thought about it for a few minutes then said " I got one... Secret." The bartender said "Why Secret?" Joe said "Well... it's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."


A red head, a brunette, and a blonde walk into a bar. The bartender asks the redhead what she would like. She says, "I'll have a A.L."

The bartender looks lost, and so the redhead says, "Daaaaa, an Amstel Lite!"

Next, the bartender asks the brunette what she would like. The brunette says, "I'll have a B.L."

With this, the bartender gets a grin on his face and says, "A Bud Lite,right?"

The brunette says, "Daaaaa, a Becks lite!"

Feeling really dumb, he asks the blonde what she would like to drink. The blonde says, "I'll have a 15."

The bartender says to himself, "A 15, a 15, a 15?"

The Blonde says, "daaaaa, a 7 and 7."


A blonde woman was having financial troubles so she decided to kidnap a child and demand a ransom. She went to a local park, grabbed a little boy, took him behind a tree and wrote this note. "I have kidnapped your child. I am sorry to do this but I need the money. Leave $10,000 in a plain brown bag behind the big oak tree in the park at 7 AM." Signed, "The Blonde".

She pinned the note inside the little boy's jacket and told him to go straight home. The next morning, she returned to the park to find the $10,000 in a brown bag behind the big oak tree, just as she had instructed.

Inside the bag was the following note. "Here is your money. I cannot believe that one blonde would do this to another."
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:05 pm

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:37 pm

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."
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PostSubject: Re: LAUGHTER REALLY is THE BEST MEDICINE! Try it and see!!   Wed Dec 17, 2008 4:41 pm

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
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